Grief is strange, in that it simultaneously drives us to need people more than perhaps anything else, and is also something that by nature is experienced completely alone, and has to be, even if it is shared. I think this is why people are uncomfortable when faced with displays of it, and people experiencing it are uncomfortable talking about it. It kind of naturally ignites a state of cognitive dissonance.
I also wonder if this doesn't factor into our cultural need to sweep grief under the rug. It seems the only valid acceptable things to grieve are, well, deaths or similar grave losses. But people genuinely grieve all types of things, and not having language to acknowledge and validate one's grief can be destructive. Grief demands to be felt.
I was talking with a dear friend last night who just lost his father and is in the beginning stages of the grieving process. I myself spent this past year in grief and struggling to admit I was grieving because I did not lose a person (really), I was grieving exactly what I predicted I would need to a year ago - 20 years of my life lost to closeting and abusers - and still felt invalid in my grief. While talking to my friend, I found myself wanting to apologize for not grieving the same thing as him while I offered up support, and then I realized how silly that was. Grief is grief, it's human, it's real, and if you are able to offer even an ounce of empathy to someone else which is borne of your own experience, then you should do it.
Our brains can't process trauma while the trauma is happening. This is actually a hard wired evolutionary self preservation response. The annoying part is that this means grief and trauma need to be handled piece by piece, layer by layer, and this will take as much time as it needs to. It can be excruciating to feel like you are making progress, only to have your brain hand you yet another corner of your wound which needs to be healed. It's hard work. But it's probably the most important work a person can do.
I said above that grief demands to be felt. While this is true, I also think that humans naturally will do whatever we can to not feel it, because it’s probably the worst feeling there is. Not even just the pain, the helplessness to do anything about it. The thing happened, the hurt is unimaginable, and we can’t undo it. That’s the part our egos can’t handle, but it’s also not totally true. You can do something about it. You can accept it, piece by piece, and heal. It’s in the not accepting, the not healing, that these wounds become not only cancers in ourselves, but infectious to others.
This is also why grief is something that, while universally understood, is battled and made peace with internally, alone. We can and should turn to friends, family, therapists etc to offer us guidance, love, and to hold space, but our grief is ours alone. Let no one ever tell you your grief is invalid, too long, or too loud. As long as you are honoring its need to be felt, you’re doing everything right.
And I'm here to tell you that you will be ok.
